They don’t tell you that it isn’t over, just because they cut out a lump and zapped you with radiation. They don’t tell you that the aftereffects of radiation and the side effects of the medication will be harder to live with than the cancer itself and that it too is trying to kill you. Meds that you’ll need to take for the next 5-10 years to give you the absolute slightest chance that the cancer won’t continue to grow in your body. They don’t tell you how long the burns and itching from radiation will take to go away. Or about the level of discomfort or the extreme fatigue you’ll feel. They don’t tell you that you’ll feel like your lungs and heart were damaged and that even a short walk will require rest. They don’t tell you if your hair will stop falling out and if your eyebrows will grow back anytime soon. They don’t take time to explain all of the side effects, so you don’t think you’re crazy…hot flashes, weakness, arthritis, joint pain, bone pain, sore throat, high blood pressure, mood swings, depression, nausea, vomiting, rashes, osteoporosis, broken bones, back pain, leg cramps, insomnia, headache, swelling legs & hands, heart problems, difficulty breathing, bone loss, weight gain & high cholesterol…to name a few. They don’t warn you that every bone in your body will hurt and that healing will take forever…if it ever comes at all. Or how you’re so acutely aware of your knees and your shins when you walk that you pray they don’t crumble under you, because surely if you fell something would break. They don’t tell you that the meds on top of other meds you’re already taking will cause a non-stop PMS fest, ridiculously screwing with your hormones and that your emotions will be all over the place. Places you’ve never been to before. That you’ll say or do things out of character, because your hormones are raging, and your “feelings” are all over the place. They don’t warn you that people around you won’t understand. They don’t care about your feelings, especially if it encroaches on their own. They don’t want any part of your drama. They don’t tell you how some will love you enough to stick around and see you through, but that so many others…will disappear from your life, because it’s just too hard. Not everyone will be there for you. Perhaps they never were. Accept it. There will be days that you just have to be your own biggest cheerleader, because you’re a survivor and you’ve gotten this far. Even though there are other days that even you wish you could be rid of this version of you that you’ve become. You look for reasons to go on and hope that even one person you love will love you back enough to tell you to hang on, because they’d be lost without you.
No, I’m not angry at cancer. I’m not upset that there are cells in my body trying to kill me. I’m upset with everything that happens after cancer. The apocalypse that’s now your life. I thought I got through the hard part with dignity and grace, not knowing there would be harder parts to come. That’s what no one tells you. Even the strongest warriors get tired, and I am so tired. Tired of feeling like I’m somebody else. I’m so anxious to get me back. Healing is messy. It’s painful. It’s emotional. If you’re struggling right now as well, I promise I’ll pray for you and perhaps you can do the same for me. A little kindness and compassion go a long way during hard times. And even if no one else tells you this today, you’re worth it and I have faith in you! Hugs to you and hugs to me!
Inner Calm Reiki – lls
Inner Calm Reiki 